The Quirky Life of P

Humor and satire revolving around Mr P- a fictional mix of an avatar of Mr Bean and the veritable Bertram Wooster of Wodehouse fame.

Archive for the month “September, 2014”

Stumped by cricket jargon…

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Like other humans of the planet, let alone humans of New York, P had his faults but no one could ever accuse him of being a sporty person. The sports pages of the newspapers P bought were left, unopened and unread. However, when his neighbour Chris said he had tickets for a one day match between his hometown and a rival city, P readily agreed to accompany him as he had been cooped up indoors all during the week-end and needed to get some sunshine and his quota of Vitamin D.

They reached the grounds just in time. No sooner than they had taken their seats, P got up and left to buy some drinks and pop corn and had to line up in a queue. He could hear the crowd roar occasionally and knew that some progress was being made in the game. He was anxious to know the position of the home team.

When he returned, offering Chris a drink P asked “Any goals so far?”

A stunned Chris replied “This is cricket. There are no goals but runs and wickets!”

“OK”, said P perplexedly. “I know “run” and I know “wicked”, but what is a wicket?”

“You see those stumps at both ends with those bails on top? Those are wickets”

“I get it”, said P with an intelligent nod. “Have we made a good score?”

“Well”’ said Chris, “The run rate is pretty slow… Look’s like this is not a batting wicket”

“What do you mean?” asked a flummoxed P.

Chris looked at P and saw the confusion which only escalated as Chris explained “You know, by wicket, I mean the pitch or that piece of ground out there”

Just then there was roar from the crowd and Chris returned his eyes back to the game.

“Oh Sendulkar has been caught behind!” he cried, putting his hands on his head.

P looked at the field. He could not see anybody holding onto anybody’s back. He saw only a man walking back to the pavilion with his bat while other players in the ground seemed to be rejoicing at something.

P was simply bamboozled!

“That was an important wicket that has fallen,” Chris continued despondently.

P looked at the stumps and sticks on either end of the ground in the middle. They were still out there standing erect like soldiers on a parade. None of them had fallen or were lying on the ground…..

“But those wickets are still upright over there,” P pointed out to Chris.

“A wicket has fallen in the abstract sense”, Chris tried to explain.

P tried to absorb the idea of a wicket falling in an abstract sense….

He was simply stumped! All the cricket jargon made no sense to him. His common sense sent his attention back to his coke and popcorn chicken.

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Curve Balls

Overload alert

Stumped by the mathematics of time….

Curve Balls: When was the last time you were completely stumped by a question, a request, or a situation you found yourself in? How did you handle it?- Daily Prompt

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It had been a jolly vacation for Mr P and he was all packed up to travel back to New Zealand from India. He had enjoyed the balmy atmosphere and the beaches but now he was rearing to go back home to cool New Zealand. Mr P had decided that this trip back should be a well organised one and free of hassles. His plane was scheduled to depart at 12.45 am on 11 July from Chennai International Airport in South India. P was in a small town and had to take a connecting domestic flight to Chennai to catch the plane to Auckland. It would take him roughly one hour to reach Chennai by flight.

P was well on time for the domestic flight that left at 6 am on the 11th of July and reached Chennai right on time, at 7.05 am. Everything seemed to go so smoothly quite contradictory to what was the norm with Mr P and he patted himself. There was even time for P to take a stroll in the city and buy some souvenirs before he took a taxi to the international airport. P reached the airline check-in counter at 9.30 am and gave the officer his ticket and passport.

“Your plane is long gone sir!” said the officer.

“It can’t be so!” said Mr P. “My flight is at 12.45 am on the 11th”

“Today is the 11th and the flight did leave at 12.45 am, shortly after midnight last night.” said the officer.

P was simply stumped! He had believed his mathematics was good! His plane was at 12.45 am on the 11th of July and he had booked and caught the connecting domestic flight as early as 6 am on the 11th of July! He just could not understand how he could have missed the flight……..

 

Curve Balls

Done with resolutions…

P found resolutions easy to make,

A list was just a piece of cake:

Some things to do to save the universe

And some to serve his health and purse

 

The list was long but he culled with clout,

Chiselled and chopped the hard ones out;

He finished with an easy five from the lot

But even with those, he lost the plot……

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Looking at the Daily Prompt, P was reminded of the list of New Year resolutions he made for 2017. There were many he could have listed out but there was one thing that had been ruled out from the beginning because circumstances had already made him form a good habit of NOT placing plastic containers of oil on the top of his electric cooking range. That is another long story, but for now, coming back to the topic of New Year resolutions, P finally had made a list of five which he believed he had to follow to ensure his good health and well-being.

He had resolved  

  • to turn off all the lights and not just the ones in his bedroom, before going to sleep
  • to give up the habit of sleeping in and begin to get up early in the morning everyday
  • to go for a brisk walk or jog  before breakfast everyday
  • to give up the habit of eating sweets and ice creams

and

  • not to spend too much time snacking and slacking before the TV

Having made these very important resolutions, P had gone to the beach to join the celebrations for the New Year’s eve and had a nice time dancing.

P enjoyed the fireworks as the clock struck twelve and then had eaten a big slice of the cake to welcome in the New Year. After another hour or two of crushing people’s toes and jabbing people in their backs and tummies with his elbows (P dancing), he had returned home and  had gone to sleep. 

It was nearly noon when he woke up the next day and remembered his resolutions.  He looked at the clock and realized he had broken one already. He made his way to the bathroom and then to the kitchen, noticing that all the lights had been left on. His excuse to himself was that having arrived home very tired, he had hit the bed straight away. P usually arrived home very tired in the evenings, New Year or otherwise.

While making his cup of tea, P realised that it was too late in the day and probably too hot to go walking or jogging. So he warmed food from the fridge, sat down with his crosswords and ate a large brunch.

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As he was wiping his plate clean, he felt a strong pull from the fridge… He remembered he had eaten a piece of cake after midnight and that was already into the New Year. “What was the point of abstaining now when he had already broken the pact?” he argued with himself. “A resolution once broken is a broken resolution… Like Humpty Dumpty, it couldn’t be put together again.” He walked to the refrigerator, opened the freezer door, saw the French Vanilla and lost the battle.

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Once he had finished his ice cream, he felt pleased with himself. He looked out through the window. It was a beautiful day…. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the flowers were dancing in the garden, butterflies were flitting and all was right with P’s world…He grabbed some Burger Rings to munch and sat down on the sofa with a sigh, stretched his legs comfortably and turned on the TV.

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What a to-do! He was done with resolutions…

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To-do? Done

Priceless voice…

Daily Prompt-Voice Work: Your blog is about to be recorded into an audiobook. If you could choose anyone — from your grandma to Samuel L. Jackson — to narrate your posts, who would it be?

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P: “Of course I would pick my Grandma!”

Neighbour Chris: “That’s nice. She must have a great voice.”

P: “Priceless, I would say.”

Chris: “There you go. That was an easy choice.”

P: “There is a small problem though… It is fifteen years since she died. So I can’t ask her to read my posts now.”

Chris: “Oh! Then try and pick someone from Hollywood or Bollywood with a great voice.”

P: “I would love to… but don’t they all need to be paid? I don’t want to part with my cash to buy a voice! My Grandma would have done it free for me. Didn’t I say her voice was priceless?  It was a bit on the shrilly side, I guess, developed with all that shouting at my Grandpa!”New Picture (9)

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P paused and eyed his neighbour. “You know, I have a brilliant idea! Maybe you could do the audio for my blog?”

Chris: “OK then. Sure, I am happy to give voice to your blog.”

P: “There would still be the issue of payments though…”

Chris: “No, no… Don’t think of it. I don’t want any money for giving audio to your posts!”

P: “Oh! I was talking about you paying me to read my posts!”

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Voice Work

Prince in Waiting

Next in Line: A second #RoyalBaby will soon be joining the Windsors in England. Given the choice, would you rather be heir to the throne, or the (probably) off-the-hook sibling?-Daily Prompt

 

P pondered on the above and made his mind………………

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A prince in waiting I wouldn’t mind being;

For heaven’s sake, never make me a King:

I’d shiver in my shoes and drop down dead

Before I could say “Off with his head!”New Picture (4)

Whether heir to the throne, or next in line,

I would think, both are equally fine

As long as a crown doesn’t spoil my hair style

Nor a witch turns me into a frog in her rile!New Picture (3)

 

Next in Line

A case of mistaken identity…

Greetings, Stranger

You’re sitting at a café when a stranger approaches you. This person asks what your name is, and, for some reason, you reply. The stranger nods, “I’ve been looking for you.” What happens next?- DAILY PROMPT

 

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The coffee was too hot and I slowly stirred it with the spoon as I eyed the other customers seated in the cafe. I slightly bent my head down and took a sip, savouring the aroma and flavour. Then a stranger loomed by my table……………

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He took a seat and asked my name,

I gave it to him not knowing the game.

“I’m a fan of yours” he said, “and am glad to see you

To get your autograph without being in a queue.”

 

“But I am mere Mr P, not Mr Bean, my mate

And the P does not even stand for Pea” I state.

“I just blog as avatarofmrbean” I add;

But to sit and chat he was still glad.

 

So we shared some laughs and some nice tales;

He said he would follow me, I hope he never fails;

For as he left, he took my blog’s address,

But for my autograph, I’m sad, he did not press!

😦

 

Greetings Stranger

P Keeps a Secret

Can you keep a secret? Have you ever — intentionally or not — spilled the beans (when you should’ve stayed quiet)? -DAILY PROMPT

 TANKA

P could never keep

Secrets all to himself with

Inadvertent slips

Dogging his quirky life and

Letting cats out of the bags.

 

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P saw his neighbour going out to get the newspaper in the morning and hollered out “Happy Birthday for Yesterday, Chris!”

Neighbour, eyebrows curled in puzzle: “???????”

P wondered why his neighbour’s lips seemed to be so locked and sealed. He guessed it could be because he had not turned up for the party the previous evening. P sprinted close to the fence to offer his apologies.

P: “Please say sorry to your daughter for me. When she phoned last week, I had promised to be at the surprise birthday party but I could not make it last evening.”

Neighbour with a quirk to his lips:  “?????  Ah!”

P: “You know I saw you several times during the day yesterday. It was hard keeping my trap shut, not wishing you all the best then, but your daughter wanted the party to be a big surprise for you and I wanted to prove everybody wrong and show how well I could keep a secret!”

P noted that his neighbour was still not talking much, but laughter glinted his eyes and his lips were quivering with suppressed mirth.

P: “Well, How did the party go?”

Neighbour: “Oh! I won’t know till it’s over. My birthday is today!”

 

Locked and Sealed

Full Tanka

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